Home

Maya Angelou said, “The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned”. She was very right on that one and while I'm very nearly certain she meant this in an emotional sense, right now I want to talk about the fact that people are struggling to fulfill their immediate physical need for a home. There are people living in tents right now-and I'm not talking about Haiti.

In Nashville, TN

Invisible City Winter — Nashville, TN — January 2010 from Russel Albert Daniels on Vimeo.

Under bridges and in tent cities in California

On the beaches in Hawaii

And in Seattle, which has established multiple permanently rotating homeless communities of roughly one hundred people.

All over this country, right now, there are people all around us living through the winter outside in tents, underneath tarps, or inside of cardboard/particle board structures. You probably don't notice them, but there are tent cities and other communities of homeless people in almost every major U.S. city, and with the free fall/suicide drop of the economy being what it is the number of people living like this in the United States is growing.

What is the reception to this epidemic of homelessness? Not in my backyard. The response has overwhelmingly been to turn homeless people away without regard for where they'll go. Several cities have gone so far as to make the act of homelessness (sleeping outside) an actual crime, for which they routinely "sweep" their cities detaining, harassing, and arresting the homeless. In Huntington Station, NY police destroyed a tent city which was serving as a home for more than 100 people just days ago, during what some journalists are calling "The Snowpocylpse".

A tongue-in-cheek Snowpocylpse for those who live inside is a death sentence for those who live outdoors.

And yet most people don't want to have to look at the homeless long enough to deal with them. You have people complaining about the addictions and crimes of homeless people because that's what they choose to see. What they don't see is a man driven into such a deep self loathing by his perpetual homelessness that he drowns it in a drink. Most people enjoy a few drinks after a rough day at work; the level of stress that goes into that man's very ability to exist is unfathomable to to most. People don't see a woman who escaped into a meth high because she was forced into prostitution to feed herself-and yet, what would you have to do to be able to live with yourself if you had to sleep with people for food or shelter? Society, despite the evidence, still doesn't see that stealing is an eventual and unavoidable bi-product of profound poverty.

They see smelly, addicted, thieving homeless people who should just try a little harder....somewhere else where "normal people" don't have to see them.

I have never been addicted and I have never been thieving and, thank God, I was never forced into any situations with dire consequences but I have been homeless (and smelly) so I speak from personal experience here. Most people who are homeless are normal people. They are veterans and school teachers and many of them are just kids like I was. In today's economy, it could just as easily be you in their place. All these normal people want is a home-a safe place where they can be free of crushing stigma and live unquestioned.

I can't provide that for them. You might not be able to either. But we can, as a society, provide them the safety and freedom that comes with a generous and compassionate heart. We can take the judgment out of the equation, treat homeless people with respect and human decency, and we can demand that our government does the same. We can practice small acts of random kindness that will mean the world to people less fortunate than us-bring an extra sandwich for the "bum" in front of your office building. Offer to share a cab. Sit with them and let them talk to you-homelessness isn't catching.

Provide an emotionally safe and judgment free place in society for those who have no physical shelter and we will be one step closer to the dreams of idealists like Maya Angelou, and truly closer to the mandate to love our neighbors as ourselves.



Yet another Mama Kat inspired post...join her for Writer's Workshop this week!

Celebration!

Hubby and I are busy celebrating Valentine's Day since he has to work tomorrow night...so until tomorrow, check out the series I've done this week about love and marriage.

Like a Rock: What the Practical Application of Love Looks Like in My Marriage, and Why It Works

Sweet Somethings: Keepin' the Love Alive (and Interesting)

Shaken and Stirred OR On The Rocks: Tips on Getting Through Rough Patches In Marital Blissdom

Under Pressure: A Guide to the Pressures That Interrupt Our Marriages, and How to Overcome Them

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Under Pressure

We all want to be that woman-whose husband makes googley eyes every time he sees her, whose house is perfectly spotless, and whose children are all perfectly coiffed perfectly well mannered and organized...but let's face it-no one can be everything to every one. You're not going to be able to be a Playmate in the bedroom, Donna Reid in the living room, and June Cleaver in the gym during every PTA meeting. If you are under the impression that you can be all of these things at once, may I respectfully ask that you submit yourself for either genetic testing and/or psychiatric evaluation because the harsh reality is that, unless I missed something, we are all feeling pressure from impossible expectations--and that has some major impacts on our marriages. The truth is that all of these pressures come from inside ourselves, so today I'm going to talk about what these expectations are, how they impact our marriages, and how we can deal with them so that our marriage doesn't suffer from our disillusions of super-humanity.

THE PRESSURE: Being Sexy All The Time
REALITY CHECK:
We used to be hot. When we first started dating our husbands we were all sexy singles, dressed to the nines and perfectly manicured. We were fun, flirty, and flashy...and now we smell like Moms (you know that baby pee/spit up/sweat combo) and look like bums because let's face it-we don't have a lot of down time to focus on silly stuff like personal hygiene with all these kids running around! We know that these running pants aren't going to win us any fashion awards or grab hubby's attention any, but we feel kind of stumped as to what we can do.

We feel this pressure because we WANT to be hot. We miss being sexy all the time and long to ditch the sweats for the sweater dresses. The bad news is that's not always practical. The good news is that I have some tips.

When you get dressed for the day put out at least two extra changes of clothing. When you do this you set yourself up so that later when your outfit gets boogers wiped on it/spit up all over it you can just run up stairs and change without having to spend a lot of time messing around. Also, figure out one or two items of clothing that your Hubby especially appreciates and wear those more often. For instance my husband likes it when I wear dresses, so I do my best to wear dresses several days a week. Are they clean? Meh...ish. Are they perfectly put together into a stylized ensemble? No way....but he likes dresses so there they are. Does your husband like pink on you, or love it when you wear neck scarves? Pull em out. You might not look high fashion, or even very clean, but you made an effort and he'll notice!

For more tips for your love life, check out my post on other ways to keep the spark alive.

THE PRESSURE: Household Management Above Reproach
REALITY CHECK:
You have kids, right? Well unless you keep them in dog crates your house is going to be dirty. I think it was Phyllis Diller who said "cleaning the house while your children are still young is like shoveling the walk while it's still snowing". Realistically speaking you can OCD over it all you want but it's just not going to be spotless so long as little ones live there. The same goes for organization.

Oh it's good to make an effort of course-that's the only way to stave off total anarchy and filth-but please realize that unless you can add another 6 hours into the day you're just not going to get it all done. Look around you-does it look like a biohazard? Would anyone feel tempted to call the CDC, or a microbiologist? No? Well you're okay then.

Still, despite the "non toxic" policy that I have established some husbands (like mine) still get to be a big grumpy pants when they feel like the house is "too cluttered". How do you help your Hubby feel comfortable without breaking out the blood, sweat, and possibly tears? Keep his areas tidy. Does he go straight for the coffee pot after work? Create an invisible force field around it free of clutter. Put his coffee cup and creamer and stuff right next to the pot and voila! He'll look right over the stack of papers. Does he have a favorite chair? Keep everything off of it, and put his slippers next to it. He'll most likely step over all the toys without thinking if he knows he can sink into HIS chair and HIS slippers on the other end. Give him a special drawer where he can put all of his stuff that no one else in the house is allowed to touch-that way he doesn't have to sift through piles of stuff to find his nail clippers or his drawing pencils.

That is the secret to men as far as I can tell-if he has unhampered access to everything he wants/uses, he will definitely not pressure you so much about organization.

THE PRESSURE: Super Mom
Reality Check:
Say it with me now-We ALL have flaws. I WILL forget something that was important to my child. I WILL lose my temper. I WILL pack the wrong lunch, say the wrong thing, and accidentally encourage bad habits. I WILL want to run away from home sometimes and WILL probably lock myself in the bathroom for some peace...but I DO love my children and I AM a good mother.

Now believe it.

I know that's easier said than done, so feel free to repeat it over and over and over to yourself if you have to. What does this have to do with your marriage, you might ask? Well, if you're busy worrying about being Super Mom you might forget about your role as a wife altogether. I've seen it happen. I've done it myself on occasion. It's easy to get hooked into perfecting your child's five tiered home made birthday cake only to realize hours later that you didn't even kiss your husband goodnight.

It's also all too easy to mentally lump your husband in with your children. BIG no-go on that one. It seems like a small thing-I mean, you take care of him and you take care of them-but lumping him in with the kids will almost always turn into you treating him like one of the kids. Not husband-wife relationship friendly.

So what's the cure for Super Mom-itis? I don't know that there is one. This is a big, society-wide pressure. The best way that I've found to deal with it is just to prioritize. Make a list (either physical or mental) that absolutely MUST be done or else something bad will happen to your family. So eating would be on the list, dusting is off. Packing the kids lunch may be on the list, but packing them rack of lamb with a pudding cup for dessert is definitely off. Then, think about the things that you want to get done, but aren't crucial. If you set small, realistic goals for yourself and feel confident that you have taken care of your families real needs it makes it a little easier to step out of the shadow of the Super Mom idea.

In fact creating and meeting small, realistic goals while meeting your family's basic needs is really the entire idea behind fighting all of these internal pressures. We all want to give our families our best, but don't risk your sanity to do it. A sane wife and mom who only does some stuff is better than a crazy person who does everything but burns out in a day or two. Next time you feel pressure just think-we love our families enough to do everything in moderation.

Besides I'm totally digging that whole funky-cute, sorta-organized, good and yet sane parent thing we have going on.

Shaken and Stirred OR On The Rocks

I've been talking about love and marriage all week in honor of Valentine's Day. I've talked about the meaning of love in my relationship and how to keep your love life going, and I today I want to talk about something that is just as important-what do you do in rocky times?

No marriage is perfect. Infatuation is perfect blindness, but it only lasts a moment-marriage is forever. You all can't hold your farts in forever. Eventually you're going to find out that your husband still picks his nose and wipes his boogers on the underside of the couch cushion. Eventually he's going to find out that your "adorable little habit" of XYZ is actually really obnoxious when witnessed every day for the rest of his life.

It's easy to get annoyed and bored with someone that you see all day every day, and that's why the big fights never happen with people you see once a week for a few hours. The real epic on going battles happen with people you see every day...hey, you got the rest of your lives to fight about the same thing over and over so why not?

I'll tell you why not-because that's not how anyone wants to spend forever.

I am not advocating that you get divorced, I'm advocating that you choose not to be miserable. There are those few cases in which I absolutely respect divorce, but except in cases of abuse or abusive habits my vote is always for working it out. [Yes, even for infidelity.]

Being miserable or being happy in your marriage is a choice. Your partner does not make that choice for you. Your church does not make that choice for you. Your parents or friends or kids do not make that choice for you. The only person who can make you be happy in your marriage is YOU. You are the only person in the whole world who has control over and responsibility for your emotions.

So your marriage is in a slump. You just aren't feeling it anymore. You're too busy to care. Maybe you're fighting all the time. It happens to all of us-so what do you do to pull yourself out of it? Grab the bull by the horns people! Try a few (or all) of these...[by the way, I am writing as a woman, but this advice goes both ways!]

Forget Trying to Make Your Husband Do Something
You know that thing you've been trying to get your husband to do for years? Buy you flowers, take you on a cruise, give you a back massage, put their laundry in the basket, finish the Honey Do list, stop picking their nose and wiping it on the couch...well forget it. You can't make a full grown person do anything and you're just going to piss yourself off if you try.

Remembering that not making your husband do something means more than just not attempting to verbally command him to do things. It also means no manipulating, no pouting, no guilt trips, no with holding sex, no boycotting your own duties...basically if you've seen it on TV don't do it. The laugh track might roll when Sexy Housewife A tells her husband "no sex until you clean out the garage" but attempting to over power your husband that way is no laughing matter. Trying to assert that kind of control in your relationship undermines the respect and trust that is so vital to a good relationship.

If you ask your husband to do something and he doesn't do it, go ahead and take care of it yourself. Don't see it as a rejection or a power play-99.99999% of the time men really aren't thinking that way. Remember, men are not built to multitask the way women are. Most of the time they forget, but if they consciously choose not to do it they are usually thinking one of two things "that doesn't seem that important right now" or "I don't want to do that, but I don't know how to tell her".

Which brings me to my next point.

Communicate EFFECTIVELY
This involves, for the most part, only two things. One-you must realize that your husband is not a mind reader. Two-nagging is not communicating. The first point seems pretty self explanatory, but I can't even tell you how many times I hear women saying "I wanted my husband to XYZ but he never did and I was devastated" and when I ask them if they TOLD their husband about XYZ they said "well, that would have defeated the whole purpose". Believe me when I say IT DOESN'T. Your husband is not Miss Cleo and you are not a Magic 8 Ball. He can't read your thoughts on your face. If you want a back rub, or a clean garage, or a romantic vacation you're going to have to look him in the eye and say so. Guys are just like everyone else-they appreciate honesty and straightforwardness.

Now, as far as nagging goes-DON'T. Telling your husband something 6 million times is no more effective than telling him once-unless your goal is to piss him off in which case it is much more effective. When you nag your husband you are treating him like he is incompetent, or like he is one of your children. Your husband is a full grown adult person. He is your equal and your partner and deserves to be treated as such. If you treat him like he is your child, or like you believe him to be incapable of doing something unless you follow him around and tell him over and over again, all you're going to end up with is a very grumpy man.

So we know not to nag-how do you get him to do something without nagging? The first step is to accept that some things might not get done, and to learn to be okay with that. The second is to show him how or why something is important and why he is the best person for the job. Your husband loves you, he wants to do things that will make you happy and above all he wants to take care of you. Next time you need the garage cleaned don't follow him around saying "Did you clean the garage yet? Did you clean the garage yet? Did you clean the garage yet?" Instead try something like this,

"Hey, honey do you remember how Billy wanted to set up the garage so that he could practice with his band in there?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I think that's a great idea. I mean, if he practices here we don't have to worry about him running off and getting into trouble-but the garage is a wreck. I was hoping that you could clean it out for me. There's a lot of your old stuff in there that I wouldn't know what to do with and I don't want to accidentally throw something away that was important. Plus a lot of the stuff is high up and I'm way to short to grab it all."

I can almost guarantee you that if you approach your husband in a rational way like that, explaining why he is needed and the good it will do for you/your family, he will do it. Maybe not on your time frame, but it will get done.

Now it's your turn...

Do Something Nice
Who would you rather to bake cookies for-your Nana Boo Boo who used to read you bedtime stories and have tea parties with you, or your older sister who picked on you your entire life? It might be holier to be kind to your enemies, but it's much easier to be nice to people who are nice to you and this applies in your marriage. If you are kind and thoughtful to your husband he will return the favor. Remember-he really DOES love you or else he would not stick around...even if he doesn't always show it.

Don't wait for him to make the first move-start now! If you know your husband likes coffee in the morning, go ahead and make him a cup just the way he likes it every morning. Take the kids on a walk when he gets home from work and let him rest for a half hour in silence. I challenge you to do at least three thoughtful things a day for your husband. Even if you don't want to. Even if you're fighting and you're ready to scratch his eyeballs out. Think of it like brushing your teeth if you must-once in the morning, once in the afternoon, and once in the evening go out of your way to do one special thing you know he'll enjoy purely for his benefit. Do this every day for a month and soon it will become a habit. Just remember-do unto your husband as you would have him do unto you and eventually he'll start doing back, I promise.

Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
Luke 6:38

Husbands are As-Is
Marrying a man is kind of like buying a used car in that what you see is what you get. The man you married will change in some ways-he'll get older, go through some ups and downs, require some maintenance, and become little more worn in-but it's likely that no major changes will ever occur in him. So rather than beating your head against a wall trying to make your car magically change from a La Baron to a Mustang, or your husband magically go from a Adam Sandler fanatic to a Lifetime Movie buff, learn to love even the less-than-ideal.

A good basic rule is if he isn't hurting anybody or doing something that is morally wrong let it go. That's right-overlook the dirty laundry, climb over the tools in the kitchen, and accept the fact that he is obsessed with fart jokes. This is the man you married for better or for worse-and they weren't kidding about that last part.

We all have our flaws. You, me, my husband, your husband, our kids, our parents, our pastors, their wives-no one is perfect. No one is enjoyable to be around 24/7. No one is free from bad habits or annoying hobbies. A good rule of thumb is to your best to accept your husband's down falls with the same grace that you give your own.

Sometimes you can't though. Sometimes you've just been dutch ovened one too many times and you MUST say something or you will start bleeding out of your eyeballs. It's okay, I understand-say something. But keep in mind...

Absolutely NO Sniping
What is sniping? Well I guess it depends on who you ask. When I talk about sniping, I mostly mean talking badly behind your husband's back. Almost without exception, if you want to say something negative about your relationship to your girlfriend, sister, or mom you should be saying it to your husband instead-in a constructive way of course. Think about it-if your husband really REALLY pisses you off, what is more effective? If you call your mom and complain you might feel better, but nothing in your relationship will change. No real remedy has been brought to the table.

Sniping is different than seeking advice. Going to someone you trust-your pastor, your parents, your siblings, your friend-and seeking guidance in hard times can be very helpful. I also recommend a lot of prayer and meditation, if you are so inclined. However, there is a big difference between sniping and seeking advice-when you are seeking advice you are going in with a serious heart and you are looking to make changes in your actions. When you are sniping you are angry and looking to unload on somebody.

Sniping can cause really big problems in your relationship. First of all, when you vent your anger to another person you are circumventing your husband (an actual partner in your relationship), which can lead to hurt and distrust. Secondly, when you're letting someone in on your anger you are doing so because you want them to take your side and be angry at your husband with you-and if they actually are, the results can be disastrous. These outside people then have the ability to use those angry words you gave them to drive a wedge in your relationship. It becomes you and them against your husband, and there is nothing worse.

In a marriage it is so so important for it to be you and your husband together against the world. You must be together in everything, even if you're just together in your disagreements, or eventually you won't be together at all.

"But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one." Mark 10:6-8

The last piece of advice I can give you is...

Fake It 'Til You Make It

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:13-14

It's easy to say that we should do ABC to maintain a good marriage while it's on the rocks, but sometimes your heart just isn't in it. I know mine isn't. Sometimes I'm too angry. Sometimes I feel like I just don't care enough to put in the effort because I'm too busy or too tired. It happens to everyone.

Hubby said that it was okay to share our biggest fight with you (don't worry no sniping!), so I will. We have one on-going sticking point in our relationship right now. I call it "who does the most with the least". When we are tired (which we often are) and over worked (which we nearly always are) and the kids are being insane (which they can definitely be) we often fall into the fight of "WHY AM I THE ONLY PERSON DOING ANYTHING AROUND HERE?!" It becomes a battle over who does the most on the least amount of sleep and why the other person is such a jerk for sleeping that extra hour/being on the computer/not doing the laundry/never helping with the kids. We have actually spent more than an hour trading "Yeah, well I do THIS"s.

"Yeah, well I work in the middle of the night"

"Yeah, well I'm up with the baby in the middle of the night and then I have to be with the kids when they wake up at six am"

"Yeah, well I'm at work then-working after I've only slept three hours"

"Yeah, well I've only slept five hours in the last three days"

"Yeah, well I've worked 40 hours in the last four days AND I did the laundry. You NEVER do the laundry"

"Yeah, well I'm sorry I'm too busy homeschooling the kids all by myself..."

It gets even uglier from there. We have this fight probably twice a month-do we stop to think that maybe if we weren't spending time fighting after the kids are asleep we could maybe rest up and not be so stupidly grumpy?

Yeah no. We're far beyond rationality at this point. It usually takes us two or three hours to get from there to the part where we admit that the other person does do a lot around the house and with the kids and that we are both just stressed out. From there we kiss and make up and go about our business. Still, for the next couple of days we aren't up to full capacity. We are still kind of testy (because we're both still exhausted) and are usually not feeling super keen on going that extra mile for the other person...but you know what?

WE STILL DO.

Not because we particularly want to. Not because we are really feeling it at the moment. Not because we're really extra people or something. We do it because marriage is a lifetime investment. Just because we're not bursting into musical song about our love at the moment doesn't mean that we don't love each other anymore, or that we are any less committed to being together forever. We have faith that God brought us together for a reason, and that what God has brought together no man or woman can tear asunder (not even us, no matter how much we fight). We have faith that no matter how we feel today we will feel differently soon and that we will grow old together-so we bear with each other, we fake it 'til we make it, and in a day or two we've got that lovin' feeling back.

Marriage is not easy. Call me cliche, but love is a rose-it's got thorns and something sometime is bound to stick in your paw...that doesn't make it any less worthwhile or any less beautiful.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing...And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:1-3 & 13

Sweet Somethings

Yesterday I talked about the cornerstone of my marriage and how love, and what love means to us keeps us going every day, but today I want to talk about another something-something up my sleeve. A something that brings us together and keeps things interesting day in and day out for seven plus years. Something that is vitally important to our marriage-and that something is sex.

Don't think sex is vitally important to your marriage? Ask your husband for his honest opinion.

There is a stigma around sex, especially in the Christian community. An unspoken idea that "good Christians" all have sex missionary style once a week for fifty years, or only have sex to make babies. Hey I love my babies, but when I have sex it's not about them. My theory is that if sex were meant to be just another boring body maintenance/biological function then it would feel no better than your liver functions. True, having a healthy liver is good but you never really notice your liver until something bad happens to it.

That is not how your sex life should work. Don't put off your sex life until it is all dysfunctional or your marriage will become anemic.

I'm not saying that keeping up a healthy sex life is easy. Hubby and I have three children five and under and we've been together going on eight years. We have major financial stress and extended family stress and job stress and both of us average about 4 hours of sleep per 24 hour period-we just don't have the time or energy for the all day love-ins we used to have. That's life. Still sex is a priority in our lives, and because of that we manage to make love a (what I think is) respectable 3-4 days a week.

How do we keep up in the bedroom? There's a hundred little ways that we maintenance our love life every day, so if you're having a little difficulty try some of these:

Boost Each Other's Egos
You don't even have to be in the bedroom for this, but it definitely puts the idea in your brain. Make it a point to tell your spouse how hot they are as often as you can. Sounds stupid? Well, maybe, but come on-who DOESN'T want to hear how sexy they are? Every time you find yourself thinking how hot your husband is, go ahead and say it out loud. Just a little "I love the way your muscles move when you're bringing in the groceries" or even a "nice butt"-trust me when I say that your husband will LOVE hearing these things and very soon he will start returning the favor.

You're Married-Flirting is Now a Full Body Contact Sport
Go ahead, grab him a little-he's your husband! I promise he won't mind. Don't just sit there-rub his arm. Play with his hair. Kiss his ear. Wear a low cut shirt and do a lot of bending over-whatever you think he will enjoy and again I assure you he will return the favor. Nothing like a few extra squeezes to make sure that you're in the mood when the kids go down for bed (or nap!).

Which reminds me...

Don't Hide From Your Kids
Now I'm not saying you should go Full Monty with the kids in the room, but you know what? Their eyes will not burn out of their heads if they see their parents kissing. Not even if they see their parents kissing a lot. If physical affection between parents hurt children's eyes our oldest would be blind by now, and yet all three of the kidlets have fully intact retinas even after seeing Daddy lift Mommy onto the counter for a kiss when he gets home from work, or seeing Mommy grab Daddy's butt. I personally think it's good for kids to see that their parents have a loving, happy relationship-it gives them a real sense of security. Plus, if you hide all vestiges of playfulness from the kids, when is it gonna happen?

Now that you're both feeling sexy and playful and have been thinking about sex in some form or another all day you're probably ready to run up the stairs once the kids are asleep. Remember though-you don't want to waste your full day of fun on five minutes of wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am. Here are some general ideas for adding a little fun in.

Dress Up Before You Get Down
At the beginning of our relationship I started a tradition that Hubby absolutely LOVES. For every significant holiday and anniversary since we have been together I get him a present. On the card it says "for me, for you" and inside is a piece of sexy lingerie. [Obviously it's for me to wear and for him to enjoy, that's the point of the card. Well, that and so he doesn't open it up in front of my in laws!]

We (and by we I mean I and especially my husband) love this tradition. Lingerie is not hard to come by, and there are all sorts of different lingerie to try. If you're not sure what to get, or you are a little shy, try shopping online! A good place to start is an online store like Eden Fantasys, which is a good reseller for online "adult shopping" (fair warning if you click over-it's not for little people's eyes!!). A little bit ago my friend Nicole offered me a free gift certificate to try something from the site and while the chemise set that I tried didn't work for me, Nicole was super helpful and very knowledgeable from beginning to end. In fact, if you want a little help getting some ideas I would recommend her-you can get a hold of her on twitter @PoshNicole-and now's a good time since Eden Fantasys is having some great sales in honor of Valentines Day!

If you're not adventurous enough for Eden (even I couldn't get out of the lingerie section), you can always try the oldie but goodie Victoria's Secret. There's also Fredrick's of Hollywood for the slightly more adventurous, and Lane Bryant for those who are particularly buxom like myself, all of which have online stores. If you're looking for a deal and are willing to shop in person I recommend Target, WalMart, or Fred Meyer/Kroger.

Set The Mood However You Want
Romantic sex is lovely. It's the epitome of the term 'making love' and is very emotionally important for marriages. Candles, wine, flowers, and bubble baths all have their time honored place in the halls of love making history for a reason, and it never hurts to go to the tried and true. Still, it also doesn't hurt to try something new! As long as you and your husband are both interested, there are really no ideas that aren't worth trying once. Here's A GREAT idea that your husband will LOVE-ask him to share something he's always wanted to do or try and then, unless you are very against it, go ahead and give it a whirl! Sometimes things that you never thought of, or never thought you'd like, turn out pretty awesome (who knows, maybe you could like playing pilot and stewardess!).

The idea here is that your bedroom is yours-no one is peeking in and no one can tell you that you're wrong or bad for doing something that you both want to do, so be yourselves!

These are just a few of the things that I've found over the years. Maybe what I've suggested wouldn't work between you and your husband and that's cool-every one is different. The main idea of this whole post though applies to us all. Sex is vital to good marriages-it has been since Biblical times, and always will be. So whatever your style, make a move on your Hubby.

May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer.....may you ever be captivated by her love.-Proverbs 5:18-19

[Image from Nelson Wedding Photography]

Like a Rock

Challenges like we are going through right now are not new to either mine or Hubby's lives. Separately as children and together as adults we have been through some incredible valleys in our time. Still, no matter what we've been through and no matter what the future holds we know that our relationship is solid.

God loves us. The sun rises. High tide, low tide, the cycle of seasons, growing, aging, and life changes will never fail to happen-but just as surely as these things never fail us we know that our relationship will be hold just as fast.

Sadly, this is not very common anymore. Many people give up long before the seven year mark that we celebrated last November, and even more will give up long before death parts them-so what makes us so special? I think it's all in how we view love. This is what love means to us...[The parts in bold are from the Bible (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) but even if you aren't Christian I think that the way we apply these things into our lives has a place in anyone's relationship.]

Love is patient...we wait for each other and on each other. We don't belittle each other if one of us grows into understanding that the other does not have yet, and we devote ourselves to working for the good of the other person.

Love is kind...we take every opportunity to be thoughtful and considerate. Every single day we share at least one thing we love about each other.

Love does not envy...we do not compete with each other. It's not about who is better at something, it's about accomplishing it together. We are always a we.

Love does not boast...in order to put yourself above everyone else, you must put others down. Marriage is the opposite-it's about building each other up, not parading your "I did so much better than you"s in front of each other.

Love is not proud...when we need help, we ask each other. Turning to your spouse in times of need, allowing your spouse to be in on your less-than-fabulous side, will slowly knit your lives together forever.

Love is not rude...we do our best to treat each other with the up most respect. We still fight of course, but we always apologize, make amends, and go to bed happy.

Love is not self seeking...my priority is my husband, and his priority is me-we take care of each other in ways that we could not even take care of ourselves and our marriage is strong for it.

Love is not easily angered...I think this is the hardest one in practice, and yet the solution is so simple-if your spouse is not hurting themselves, you, or your children let it go. So what if you have to put the toilet seat down, or if it takes her 2 hours to get ready? Is that really damaging your greater quality of life? Then just relax-think of it as a way to show your love for even your spouses less attractive habits.

Love keeps no records of wrongs...marriage is not a tally of who did what and remember-that-time-you-did-that-thing-now-don't-you-feel-guiltys. Harboring anger or resentment in your heart hardens that part of your heart toward your spouse, and it will only be a matter of time before your entire heart is turned away from them.

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in righteousness...we want good things for each other, and we want to do good things. We find our joy in doing what is right by each other even if it is less convenient or even less desirable to us than what we would otherwise have planned on doing.

Love always protects...we protect each other in every way, and-very importantly-even from ourselves. I don't make my husband out to be the bad guy behind his back. Ever. And I can say with absolute certainty that my husband has never painted me in an unkind light to someone else. We don't think that the other is perfect, but we guard each other's backs from negativity, even at our own hands (or mouths).

Always trusts...we believe in each other always-we have faith in each other always. Sometimes life is hard and one of us makes a bad decision but we will never, ever give up on the good person that we know we married.

Always hopes...there is no limit to the good we see for each other. We will always keep hoping, always keep cheer leading, and always keep supporting each other.

Always preserves...we do not give up. We do not throw our hands in the air, or give time limits or ultimatums. Ours is a life long journey hand in hand, and if it doesn't work so well today we'll do it again tomorrow. And the next day, and the next, and the next until the other characteristics of our love bring us back to where we want to be. Our love is forever.

Because love never fails.