Every time I look at him I know that it was his tiny little face, and his little bitty hands, and his trusting and loving heart that forever changed me from Person to Mommy. The moment he was born I was changed in ways that I still can't fully grasp or appreciate. I thought I knew about love and devotion and faith until my tiny little first born cried his very first cry. I have never felt such an instant and overwhelming sense of love as when I first heard his voice, and I cried when they put him in my arms.
I will never forget the very first things I said to him:
"Hello, my sweet baby. I'm your mommy and I love you more than I can ever explain. I am so happy to finally meet you. I am so proud of you-you did a great job being born, and I will love you and be proud of you every day for as long as I live."
And I knew, right then, that he was the reason I was born.
Since then everything is passing in the blink of an eye. I will never forget bringing him home from the hospital and staying up all night-while he slept peacefully-just to watch him breathe. I still look at him and see my sweet little baby, looking up at me with his big wide eyes and wrapping his little hand around my fingers while he nursed. I know that I'll always be able to instantly recall what it was like to have his tiny little body curled up next to mine at night, and watch him with the moonlight on his face, smelling his little head and knowing that is exactly what heaven must smell like.
And look-in the blink of an eye life is going by so fast. My tiny little newborn baby is walking around exploring the world. He can read and write, he nurtures his sister, he emulates his Daddy, he's forming thoughts and opinions and becoming his own person and I am slowly changing from the center of his world into one that is just blessed enough to watch and guide him. It is almost a kind of tragic beauty knowing that someday-much much sooner than I'd like-he'll be all grown up and leaving the nest...the man that I created. I'd be lying if I said that I am not a little devastated.
Still, there is another part of me that is so excited and fascinated with watching him grow. Now that he’s five we’re going to start enrolling him in different activities as apart of unschooling-this year he’s going to do Martial Arts, a drawing class, and volunteer work at the Humane Society. MY baby is going to be doing things and making friends and LIVING HIS OWN LIFE WITHOUT ME (in one hour increments, of course)! I am so amazed, and yes still proud, watching him grow up and I am so grateful that such a wonderful little person is apart of our lives. Every day he says or does something fantastic and new and I can see the man he'll someday be peeking out from behind his rocket ship pajamas. It's so exciting...and terrifying...and extraordinary.
I want him to stay five forever! Then again, I wanted him to stay four....and three...and newborn...but I can't catch a shooting star, or take a picture of my innermost feelings, and I know I can't keep him a little boy forever.
Still no matter how old he gets or how manly he becomes, even someday when he has children of his own, I will look at him and see that precious little baby-the perfect amazing little boy that made me Mommy.
1 comment:
Doesn't that just freak you out!!!! You go to bed with a baby down the hall, and then you wake up and a little boy has taken its place.
Tomorrow, you'll go to bed with a little boy down the hall, and then wake up to find a young man there instead.
Sob. Sob. Sob.
I may or may not be hormonal... :) Very good post!
Post a Comment