Thursday, July 16, 2009

Mommy's Hot...Uh...Assets

I have always been what one might call "stacked". I hit puberty when I was 8 (which scares me when I think back on it) and by the time I was in 4th grade I was a B-Cup. In high school I was a D, and now after 3 kidlets (and a few extra pounds) I'm a DD. The charm of this is kind of lost on Hubby-he himself happens to be a leg man, an area in which I certainly don't disappoint (*unlike my mom gut) but certainly gets less attention than the girls.

Unless we're talking about Monkey.

Monkey is a boob man. Has been since birth-that's part of the reason why his nickname is Monkey. As a toddler he wanted to be picked up all the time so that he could wrap one arm around my neck and put the other in between my cleavage. It seemed harmless at the time-I figured it was just the most obvious place to hold on to. Now at five his obsession is clear.

Never more clear than it was a few days ago when my sister came to visit. My sister, while definitely attractive, has a different sort of figure than I do and is as small in the chest area as I am big. This is not news to anyone. Not even to Monkey-she's been his aunt his whole life. Still his greeting to her on the day she visited was momentous.

"Hi Autie! You have small boobies!"

Seriously. Just like that. BLURT, like word vomit. Luckily, my sister has an incredible sense of humor and understanding of kids (she's a teacher) so she just laughed as Monkey continued....

"Your boobies are really small, Auntie. Are they okay?"

More laughter from my sister, genuine curiosity from Monkey, and mortification from me as I try to explain that boobies come in all sizes and they're all okay.

"But Mommy your boobies are sooooo pretty. Why are Auntie's not like yours?"

GAH! Where is the chloroform when you need it?! His obsession with boobies is definitely not helped by the fact that I'm nursing The Bean. Every time I start to nurse, here comes Monkey with an awkward comment. I try to answer as directly as possible and just pray for this phase to end.

At least with Monkey...because of course if big brother is doing something Baby Bug must do it as well. She takes her turn coming over and oogleing and tries to pat my boobs.....while The Bean is still on them. She also points and shouts "Boos! Boos!"

I am quite the spectacle.

Of course all of this attention has prompted Hubby to decide that even though he is a leg man he does feel some proprietary ownership over the girls-now he's always commenting he "can't wait to have them back all to himself".

Yeah, me too.

And someday I'd like to be able to pee by myself-but that's a whole different issue. The battle for a mother's privacy is hard fought and seldom won.


Samantha said...

Oh this is so funny! My daughter uses my boobs to pull herself up onto the couch. Ouch. & then, if maybe I'm changing clothes, because not even that can be done in public, she squeals out in this high pitched little girls voice, "Boobies!". My hubby happens to be a boob man. Sometimes I wish that I could just remove them and put them somewhere away from me.

& you're right...a vacation for me would be going to the bathroom by myself!

Kirsty said...

LOL toooo funny. My youngest is a boob (as in mine) man too. (Happily, my husband shares his affections-even though I am not nearly as endowed as you).

As a baby/toddler the little man always had his hand half way down my shirt, this never freaked me out but I got some stares...

I'm glad your sister took it so well.

ROFL at "here comes monkey with the awkward comment"

missy said...

very funny post!!!!!!!
ugh....what is it with the boobs?!!?!?!?!
i would like to know.......if i could give mine me they would be gone!!!!!

JennyMac said...

HAHAHA. "Are they ok?" That made me laugh out loud. Too cute.

Jenny said...

LOL! I'll never forget the time I was at Target and Abby was about one. She pulled my shirt, along with my bra down and partially exposed me. A lady in the aisle laughed and said, "someone's hungry!" I was so embarrassed! She was a bottle fed baby! That was the end of V-neck shirts for me. LOL!

PetalsYoga said...

LOVE IT!!! I remember my then 5 year old nephew sticking his head right into my chestal region as I was nursing my baby girl and then saying... Those are nice! ha ha ha... he's 15 years old now and still obsessed with boobs! We took him to the beach last week and he snapped about a hundred shots of ladies bikini chests (in the name of art,n of course). Sigh....

Anonymous said...

LOL! Never had the obsession from the kids--guess I dodged that one! I sympathize with the puberty thing, though. I hit puberty at nine and looked eighteen by the time I was twelve. Was very awkward, especially since I went to an ultra-conservative religious school. I didn't fit in children's clothes anymore and nothing I wore could hide the fact that I was "developed." One teacher used to single me out in front of the class for "flaunting" it. Aaagh! It's a tough situation to face at that age.

parentingBYdummies said...

Wow! Are you writing about me or yourself? I too have been "blessed" with bug knockers. And, #2 is 100% boob man. He even used to like to store things between the girls while I was holding him. It's a gift and a curse. Thanks for stopping by for my big partay. Come back anytime:)

Kathi. said...

haha! That was so funny! good thing I was the only one home by myself!! I as laughing out loud, oh the things I have to look forward to the day I decide to have children!

Anonymous said...

I am not stacked (not even a little), but I can relate to the complete lack of privacy.

My son has taken to annoucing what is going on in the bathroom. I could really live without the "mommmy pooped" color commentary.

Kekibird said...

My son has become very body aware these days. He had a discussion with me about my "boobie fing" aka my bra and how he couldn't wear it because his boobies were too small. It's too funny how much they notice.

Scrappy Girl said...

What is this privacy thing you are referring to? LOL

thatgirlblogs said...

I use mine to prop up the cereal bowl when I eat breakfast.

In case you were looking for more uses.

Muthering Heights and Other Senseless Sensibility said...

LOLOL, thankfully it was your sister, and not a stranger!

Isk8Jewel (~Julie~) said...

Visiting from SITS - this is hilarious. I have a little Monkey, too, and although that's not how he got his nickname, he does seem to think my left boob is some sort of handle to hold on to when I carry him. Oh, and yes, very much looking forward to the day I can pee by myself.

MrsM said...

Samantha-The definition of "vacation" is just another one of those post-childbirth changes they don't tell you about :)

Kirsty-Me too! Good thing she has a phenomenal sense of humor about the whole thing!

Missy-I don't know...I say that sometimes, but I have to admit I think I'd miss the girls eventually. MOnkey of course would miss them immediately.

JennyMac-Oh he says "cute" stuff like that all the time! Cute/hilarious/humiliating is a thin line with small children.

Jenny-Too funny!

Petals Yoga-Oh no, you mean it lasts forever!? Ha ha ha.

Michele-I'm sorry about your experiences. Mine weren't nearly that traumatic, just generally sucky and some generic name calling.

ParentingByDummies-No problem! I thought the same thing when I visited your blog :)

Kathi-It's a blessing, and a trial...and sometimes a comedy!

K-I completely understand. Monkey does a running play by play of EVERYONE'S movements!

Kekibird-It's a fun phase isn't it? Wait until he starts asking about his gear...LoL.

Scrappy Girl-Well, you see, once upon a time long long ago in a land far away I was once able to take a shower ALONE. I kid you not! LoL.

thatgirlblogs-LMAO-duely noted!

Muthering Heights-That was purely an accidental luck thing!

~Julie~-Aren't we all! It starts out as a handle, but grows from there...=)

WhiteSockGirl said...

Hilarious! 'Are they ok?' I had to laugh!

supah ~d said...

Are they okay! classic!

CHLOROFORM!! ahhh good one

stopping in
sits something or nother .:)