I am very, very bitter today. I shouldn't even be blogging-you won't like me much. Stupid resolution. Stupid everything. Today almost as awesome as getting hit by a water truck in the middle of the desert in that it is so horrible it kinda makes you laugh in a dark, hysterical kinda way. I think I may have lost the last single shred of my sanity. Yep, that must be it.
Want to know what I got to do today? Well, let's see. We got served for small claims court. Yep, apparently there is a mountain of debt litigation hanging over our heads and it's all comin' down the mountain. After going in circles we realized that the only way to fix any of this really is to file for bankruptcy.
BUT WAIT! That's not the worst part of the day. What is worse than being 24 years old and having to file Chapter 7? How about your car being repo'd just hours later. Yeah, THANKS F'N B of A.
After the joy of all of that today culminated in me having to walk three miles in the dark rainy night (literally) to go get baby formula. I really do think that I'm hysterical or having a nervous break down or something...and I'm bitter about it. I'm just furiously, blindly, bitter. I really do try in the face of everything to be patient and faithful. I do. I try to be long suffering but really how long IS long suffering?! I personally think I've suffered quite enough. I'm not comparing, or acting like a victim, I'm just saying-if there is a suffering quota I've freaking reached it. Surpassed it even. I'm just so done.
To add onto all of it my dad was kind enough to inform me that everything is all my fault. Somehow, in some indescribable way, I live my life in such a way that I deserve for things like this to happen. When pressed for details he can't give examples of course, but he DID manage to tell me that "people who hang out with gang bangers shouldn't be surprised when they go to jail" and make a loose tie in to our decision to homeschool saying that I was "literally the last person on the face of the planet that should be homeschooling children-better a homeless bum do it" than me. He actually SAID THAT.
Doesn't that just make the sun shine outta your butt?
Talking to my sister is no better. Her response is "Well you know, if you owe people money they're allowed to do things like that. You really shouldn't owe people money." Really? I shouldn't? Well that's news to me because I, apparently, am a gang banging idiot. Of course I shouldn't owe people money. I never intended to, and if I had the money to pay them I would. It's not like we have plenty of money and just blow it all on my Faberge egg collection. Or like my debts are credit cards and department stores. I owe the power company, the phone company, the hospital, old apartments...those aren't people you refuse to pay just for the hell of it. Still she gets all superior because she has great credit and she went to college and she has a government job and a trust fund baby for a husband and her first house already. Well F'n super for her, but I DON'T. I was too busy being a homeless 16 year old, or a pregnant teenager, or a working mom, or a homeschooling stay at home mom of three kids five and under to care about credit or college or marrying for money. Too busy working my butt off with Hubby trying desperately to stretch every dollar to fit five people on a budget made for one or two people. Obviously the only real solution here is "don't be poor". Well....My freakin' bad. I can't seem to help it.
I wish that I could say that I feel better after my rant and have renewed faith, but I think that's going to take a lot longer than it normally does. I think I've just reached that line in the sand where my faith in good people being blessed doesn't carry me any farther. Maybe my dad's right and I'm not a good person, and that's why all of these terrible things happen to me. Or maybe I am a good person and secretly that's the blessing in and of itself that I just have to learn to appreciate it or something zen like that. I don't even know anymore. All I know is that I have to end my nervous breakdown before 5:30am when the kidlets wake up and I get to put on the happy mommy face again-anybody got a Mai Tai I could cry into?