Saturday, February 6, 2010

The Deep End

I am very, very bitter today. I shouldn't even be blogging-you won't like me much. Stupid resolution. Stupid everything. Today almost as awesome as getting hit by a water truck in the middle of the desert in that it is so horrible it kinda makes you laugh in a dark, hysterical kinda way. I think I may have lost the last single shred of my sanity. Yep, that must be it.

Want to know what I got to do today? Well, let's see. We got served for small claims court. Yep, apparently there is a mountain of debt litigation hanging over our heads and it's all comin' down the mountain. After going in circles we realized that the only way to fix any of this really is to file for bankruptcy.

BUT WAIT! That's not the worst part of the day. What is worse than being 24 years old and having to file Chapter 7? How about your car being repo'd just hours later. Yeah, THANKS F'N B of A.

After the joy of all of that today culminated in me having to walk three miles in the dark rainy night (literally) to go get baby formula. I really do think that I'm hysterical or having a nervous break down or something...and I'm bitter about it. I'm just furiously, blindly, bitter. I really do try in the face of everything to be patient and faithful. I do. I try to be long suffering but really how long IS long suffering?! I personally think I've suffered quite enough. I'm not comparing, or acting like a victim, I'm just saying-if there is a suffering quota I've freaking reached it. Surpassed it even. I'm just so done.

To add onto all of it my dad was kind enough to inform me that everything is all my fault. Somehow, in some indescribable way, I live my life in such a way that I deserve for things like this to happen. When pressed for details he can't give examples of course, but he DID manage to tell me that "people who hang out with gang bangers shouldn't be surprised when they go to jail" and make a loose tie in to our decision to homeschool saying that I was "literally the last person on the face of the planet that should be homeschooling children-better a homeless bum do it" than me. He actually SAID THAT.

Doesn't that just make the sun shine outta your butt?

Talking to my sister is no better. Her response is "Well you know, if you owe people money they're allowed to do things like that. You really shouldn't owe people money." Really? I shouldn't? Well that's news to me because I, apparently, am a gang banging idiot. Of course I shouldn't owe people money. I never intended to, and if I had the money to pay them I would. It's not like we have plenty of money and just blow it all on my Faberge egg collection. Or like my debts are credit cards and department stores. I owe the power company, the phone company, the hospital, old apartments...those aren't people you refuse to pay just for the hell of it. Still she gets all superior because she has great credit and she went to college and she has a government job and a trust fund baby for a husband and her first house already. Well F'n super for her, but I DON'T. I was too busy being a homeless 16 year old, or a pregnant teenager, or a working mom, or a homeschooling stay at home mom of three kids five and under to care about credit or college or marrying for money. Too busy working my butt off with Hubby trying desperately to stretch every dollar to fit five people on a budget made for one or two people. Obviously the only real solution here is "don't be poor". Well....My freakin' bad. I can't seem to help it.

I wish that I could say that I feel better after my rant and have renewed faith, but I think that's going to take a lot longer than it normally does. I think I've just reached that line in the sand where my faith in good people being blessed doesn't carry me any farther. Maybe my dad's right and I'm not a good person, and that's why all of these terrible things happen to me. Or maybe I am a good person and secretly that's the blessing in and of itself that I just have to learn to appreciate it or something zen like that. I don't even know anymore. All I know is that I have to end my nervous breakdown before 5:30am when the kidlets wake up and I get to put on the happy mommy face again-anybody got a Mai Tai I could cry into?


Melissa aka Equidae said...

you dont haave ti put a happy face to the kids is better to tryand explain to them the problem in their lang. mayb they wont quite get it butits far better than sheltering them. mayb you did bad decisions or mayb not but that doesnt mean u r bad, idont believe there are bad ppl in the world...misunderstood and sick only. i know how hard coz my parents have the same problem but its worse if your close family cant lend support -moral if anthing...i am here whenever u waqnna talk but things will get better...just let go dont resist all that is coming and take it day by day

Lisa in Oz said...

Oh hon, I'm SO sorry that you're dealing with all of this! I wish there was something I could do to help (aside from winning the lotto and giving you half, haha!). People say some ridiculous, un-called for things, and when it's on top of all the other crap you're going through right now, I can fully understand why you're feeling at the end of your rope. I really, really hope that things look up for you soon.

Vodka Logic said...

I am really sorry about all this. First you need to quit listening to your sister and father. They have no idea how to be helpful or supportive.

Hopefully you will find your way out of this debt. I will be wishing and hoping for you. xx

MamaOtwins+1 said...

You are not alone!
And I went to college and we had two incomes for awhile. But then dear hubby lost his job, and now we live on an income suited for 2 or 3, when there are 5 of us. We have hospital bills, some debt, care payments and oh wait, the health insurance that costs more than our mortgage yet cannot be dropped.
You are not the only one! I'm here with you, and you can vent anytime!

The Red Headed Mama said...

I've been pretty close to where you are and it's a rough rough road. The good news is, you can count on yourself, your husband and the love of your kids. Screw the rest of them, they don't deserve you anyway.

Hang in's okay to be bitter for awhile, just know that at some point there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Nicole said...

And here I thought you were reviewing that new show on ABC! I am so sorry to hear about your awful situation and the equally awful attitudes of your loved ones. Nothing is worse than not having that kind of support.

Hang in there lady! You can do it. You and your family are in my thoughts! {{hugs}}

Elle said...

I'm sorry you are going through this right now. I've been through this and I can relate to how you feel. Try to have strength. You sound like a hard worker and I'm sure you didn't choose this path, none of us who have gone down it did! I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Try to have patience, I know that's hard with family who isn't supportive. try not to listen, try to listen to yourself and your positive thoughts.
I wish you all the best in this hard time. \
Elle from SITS

Homemade Mom said...

So sorry to hear that. We filed bankruptcy almost 8 years ago. Best thing we ever did. It's all uphill from here! no more credit cards for us. It's been hard but we've learned slot. So the Mai tai? Drink or baby carrier? I have a carrier if your interested.

Rana said...

I am so sorry to hear about what is going on in your family. You really are not alone. Our family went through some of the same things you are dealing with too. It is true what everyone is saying you will get through this, take it one day at a time, keep breathing and don't lose faith.

Kirsty said...

Oh my word, I am so sorry. And yeah, I love it when people act like getting out of this type of mess is just a matter of you pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. Nobody likes to be in debt. And yeah, it's not as if you are feeding your obsession for Jimmy Choos here.

I think you are doing a phenomenal job in the face of all you have to deal with. And really, you have far more success then many, many people with their financial ducks in a row, with your loving, respectful marriage and your commitment to your children and building a loving home for them. No amount of money can buy those things and very few people experience that level of success in their personal lives. In the stuff you can take with you, you are a raging success and your dad is an impoverished hobo. Just feel sorry for him.

Still, I am so sorry about your stress, I so wish I could help. ((())))) you are all in my prayers.

Heather said...

Oh I so understand! Dealing with the consequences of our own decisions is hard enough without everyone piling blame on you. We are in a slightly different situation but financially things are a mess (hubby got cut to part time the same week my mom passed away etc) and for a completely different reason my stepdad has decided that I am to blame for absolutely all of his problems (and sending out letters to all other family members to explain to them how and why and what a liar I am.) Knowing the truth of what you did and why, moving on without explaining yourself to those who no matter what WILL NOT understand and refuse to believe the truth is HARD. Best thing to do is take things one day at a time and don't bother trying to convince those who blame you. You will get through. It will not be fun but you WILL get through.

Meg said...

Just wanted you to know that you're in my thoughts & prayers! Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Oh my. I'm know I'm a little late to comment, but I just wanted to say that I hope things get better soon.

I'll keep you in my prayers.