Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Sweet Somethings

Yesterday I talked about the cornerstone of my marriage and how love, and what love means to us keeps us going every day, but today I want to talk about another something-something up my sleeve. A something that brings us together and keeps things interesting day in and day out for seven plus years. Something that is vitally important to our marriage-and that something is sex.

Don't think sex is vitally important to your marriage? Ask your husband for his honest opinion.

There is a stigma around sex, especially in the Christian community. An unspoken idea that "good Christians" all have sex missionary style once a week for fifty years, or only have sex to make babies. Hey I love my babies, but when I have sex it's not about them. My theory is that if sex were meant to be just another boring body maintenance/biological function then it would feel no better than your liver functions. True, having a healthy liver is good but you never really notice your liver until something bad happens to it.

That is not how your sex life should work. Don't put off your sex life until it is all dysfunctional or your marriage will become anemic.

I'm not saying that keeping up a healthy sex life is easy. Hubby and I have three children five and under and we've been together going on eight years. We have major financial stress and extended family stress and job stress and both of us average about 4 hours of sleep per 24 hour period-we just don't have the time or energy for the all day love-ins we used to have. That's life. Still sex is a priority in our lives, and because of that we manage to make love a (what I think is) respectable 3-4 days a week.

How do we keep up in the bedroom? There's a hundred little ways that we maintenance our love life every day, so if you're having a little difficulty try some of these:

Boost Each Other's Egos
You don't even have to be in the bedroom for this, but it definitely puts the idea in your brain. Make it a point to tell your spouse how hot they are as often as you can. Sounds stupid? Well, maybe, but come on-who DOESN'T want to hear how sexy they are? Every time you find yourself thinking how hot your husband is, go ahead and say it out loud. Just a little "I love the way your muscles move when you're bringing in the groceries" or even a "nice butt"-trust me when I say that your husband will LOVE hearing these things and very soon he will start returning the favor.

You're Married-Flirting is Now a Full Body Contact Sport
Go ahead, grab him a little-he's your husband! I promise he won't mind. Don't just sit there-rub his arm. Play with his hair. Kiss his ear. Wear a low cut shirt and do a lot of bending over-whatever you think he will enjoy and again I assure you he will return the favor. Nothing like a few extra squeezes to make sure that you're in the mood when the kids go down for bed (or nap!).

Which reminds me...

Don't Hide From Your Kids
Now I'm not saying you should go Full Monty with the kids in the room, but you know what? Their eyes will not burn out of their heads if they see their parents kissing. Not even if they see their parents kissing a lot. If physical affection between parents hurt children's eyes our oldest would be blind by now, and yet all three of the kidlets have fully intact retinas even after seeing Daddy lift Mommy onto the counter for a kiss when he gets home from work, or seeing Mommy grab Daddy's butt. I personally think it's good for kids to see that their parents have a loving, happy relationship-it gives them a real sense of security. Plus, if you hide all vestiges of playfulness from the kids, when is it gonna happen?

Now that you're both feeling sexy and playful and have been thinking about sex in some form or another all day you're probably ready to run up the stairs once the kids are asleep. Remember though-you don't want to waste your full day of fun on five minutes of wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am. Here are some general ideas for adding a little fun in.

Dress Up Before You Get Down
At the beginning of our relationship I started a tradition that Hubby absolutely LOVES. For every significant holiday and anniversary since we have been together I get him a present. On the card it says "for me, for you" and inside is a piece of sexy lingerie. [Obviously it's for me to wear and for him to enjoy, that's the point of the card. Well, that and so he doesn't open it up in front of my in laws!]

We (and by we I mean I and especially my husband) love this tradition. Lingerie is not hard to come by, and there are all sorts of different lingerie to try. If you're not sure what to get, or you are a little shy, try shopping online! A good place to start is an online store like Eden Fantasys, which is a good reseller for online "adult shopping" (fair warning if you click over-it's not for little people's eyes!!). A little bit ago my friend Nicole offered me a free gift certificate to try something from the site and while the chemise set that I tried didn't work for me, Nicole was super helpful and very knowledgeable from beginning to end. In fact, if you want a little help getting some ideas I would recommend her-you can get a hold of her on twitter @PoshNicole-and now's a good time since Eden Fantasys is having some great sales in honor of Valentines Day!

If you're not adventurous enough for Eden (even I couldn't get out of the lingerie section), you can always try the oldie but goodie Victoria's Secret. There's also Fredrick's of Hollywood for the slightly more adventurous, and Lane Bryant for those who are particularly buxom like myself, all of which have online stores. If you're looking for a deal and are willing to shop in person I recommend Target, WalMart, or Fred Meyer/Kroger.

Set The Mood However You Want
Romantic sex is lovely. It's the epitome of the term 'making love' and is very emotionally important for marriages. Candles, wine, flowers, and bubble baths all have their time honored place in the halls of love making history for a reason, and it never hurts to go to the tried and true. Still, it also doesn't hurt to try something new! As long as you and your husband are both interested, there are really no ideas that aren't worth trying once. Here's A GREAT idea that your husband will LOVE-ask him to share something he's always wanted to do or try and then, unless you are very against it, go ahead and give it a whirl! Sometimes things that you never thought of, or never thought you'd like, turn out pretty awesome (who knows, maybe you could like playing pilot and stewardess!).

The idea here is that your bedroom is yours-no one is peeking in and no one can tell you that you're wrong or bad for doing something that you both want to do, so be yourselves!

These are just a few of the things that I've found over the years. Maybe what I've suggested wouldn't work between you and your husband and that's cool-every one is different. The main idea of this whole post though applies to us all. Sex is vital to good marriages-it has been since Biblical times, and always will be. So whatever your style, make a move on your Hubby.

May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer.....may you ever be captivated by her love.-Proverbs 5:18-19

[Image from Nelson Wedding Photography]


singedwingangel said...

OHH seee my mom and I have had this discussion about sex for YEARS.. she has even brought out "it's against the bible" when it came to oral sex. Now back before I was a christian I didn't have a leg to stand on.. Today however it's a whole other ball game.. Song of Solomon period...

Amber Page Writes said...

That's a refreshing take on the subject. I admit, my groove has been missing since my daughter was born, but I'm trying to get it back! Thanks for the advice.

Melissa aka Equidae said...

well said :)

Helene said...

This is such a wonderful post with lots of great ideas. I have to admit part of the reason my husband and I don't have sex often is because I'm just not feeling it these days. I go in and out of these spurts where he feels like a total stranger and I wonder why I even married him in the first place.

I really wish we had the playfulness and fun that you and your hubby have. I know we could if I could just get past these "blah" feelings.

BTW, I sent you a couple e-mails and they keep getting bounced back to me. I just wanted to see if you got them and, if not, do you have a different e-mail I could use?

Samantha said...

Those are helpful little tips. Our sex life has definitely slowed down a bit...averaging 3 days at the most a week...

I know I need to do better. It's not him, it's me. Being a stay at home Mom is a full time job...and after I've been taking care of a 2 year old day...sex is the last thing on my mind. But...I know it needs to be the first thing.

I do the thing with the lingerie. Every anniversary, he gets lingerie :)