Those Baby Blues

I don't want any more children. Really, I don't. I know this because (A) we just can't afford any more children and it's not fair to have more than you can afford and (B) I can't imagine where I would find the time or energy to be pregnant and then actually parent a fourth child while I am busy homeschooling three children/designing websites/freelance writing/doing quality assurance/going to school full time. It's not even close to possible-that's why I don't want to have another kid.

Except for that teeny-tiny completely irrational part of me which does.

It is probably just a bit of fret over the fact that Hubby will be getting his vasectomy next month and then it will all be really final, but it feels like I am living under big, bold letters:

THERE WILL BE NO MORE BABIES IN THIS HOUSE.

I know that I should feel like celebrating. Most people do when they're done having kids, right? They're glad that they won't have anymore years of interrupted sleep. That eventually everyone in the house will be able to wipe their own butts-right? Well, I don't feel like celebrating. Not really. I accept it, because I know that it's just not practical for us to have any more children-I know all of the reasons we need to be done...but I feel a little sad.

Sad that I will never get to bring another little one into the world. That I will never get to meet that new little person, and smell their new baby smell, and watch them grow and learn. It makes me sad to know that The Bean will always be the last. The last to crawl. The last to walk. The last to read. The last of all of my children's firsts are right ahead of me, and it makes me a little blue.

I know that it has to happen eventually-I can't just keep having children forever. And I know that The Bean is not the very last baby I'll ever see-our siblings are just starting their families and we'll have many new nieces and nephews. Someday our babies will have little ones of their own who I can snuggle. Still, they won't be mine in the same way. I guess I always thought that being done having babies meant that you wouldn't feel sad. That there was just this absolute sureness that every woman had when it was time to stop-that's how everyone I've talked to has made it sound. "You just know", "You feel like your family is complete and you don't even want any more babies".

That's really not been my experience. I wish it were. Of course Hubby has no idea what to say to me, and I can't even tell him what to say. He asks me if I want to try to have another baby, and the answer is no. Then he asks me if I'm happy not having any more babies and the answer no. Then he asks if I think we should wait and get the vasectomy later and the answer is no-I don't want to risk getting pregnant between now and "later". Poor Hubby-I just don't think there is a right answer for this one.

I think this one is just going to take a lot of time.