Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Seriously For Real

It. Has. Taken. Me. Three. Days. To. Write........



Seriously FOR REAL.

I didn't mean to abandon my blog in the middle of a party (great hostess, geez) but it seems we have been havinga series of momentous occasions and obsticles.

First the occasion-after accumulated months (years? who knows?) of begging, pleading, crying on both sides, cajoling,straight up bribing, and trial-and-error MONKEYPANTS FINALLY GAVE IN AND WENT POTTY! I say gave in because we havebeen trying to potty train him for a rediculously long time. And he has refused.

Is he afraid of the potty, you ask?

No. No he is not.

Is he incapable of some physical part of the pottying process (pulling down pants, sitting on potty, knowing the feeling of "I have to potty")?

No he most CERTAINLY is not.

Perhaps he is unable to follow directions, you may ask?

Oh, it's a selective thing I assure you. His body is capable though his heart is not always willing!

We have been banging our heads against the wall trying to get this kid to potty in the FLIPPING potty and up until Sunday. I was, at this point, weighing the morality and emotional implications of locking him and I in the bathroom for an entire day and duct taping his butt to the seat until he went. Seriously-for-real.

And then, on Sunday, he woke up from nap and spontaneously decided that it was potty time. He stripped naked in the hall, came over to me and said "I'm stinky now" then proceeded to walk into the bathroom, pull out the Dora potty seat, put it on the big boy potty, grabbed his step stool and just sat down.

And pottied.


By himself.

Seriously. I am SUCH A PROUD MOMMY! Of course we called every grandma and grandpa and even daddy at work. We broke our cardinal rule and had ice cream before dinner. I would have thrown that child a ticker tape parade if he'd asked me to. CAUSE HE WENT POTTY!! Tears of joy...I'm just so...*choking up*...also, as a bonus, turns out I'M NOT A FAILURE! Even if he didn't do it until four days before his 4th birthday. Our little man is growing up!

Now if only it didn't take 45 minutes of potty sitting to pee for 15 seconds! One step at a time.

Besides this wonderful and long-in-coming event I have also been occupied because I have lost the use of one of my arms. Don't worry it's nothing medical or permanant. You see, Baby Bug has decided that despite that fact that she has a bouncer, a hammock, a bassinet, a crib, and the option of mommy and daddy's bed the only acceptable sleeping accomodations rest in mommy and/or daddy's arms.

The minute we put her down she cries. And I don't mean little kitten mewing cry either. I mean like "my butt is on fire" type of screaming. The type of screaming that makes your neighbors shake their head when they see you standing in the kitchen with no baby in your arms but the baby "obviously needs you". Little do they know that she has been sleeping/nursing in my arms for the last 7 hours straight and that the reason I put her down was because my arm went so numb I was afraid I would drop her. It was for her own safety!! I am not ignoring my child!! And even if I was...I have to file that under the category of Nunya.

My husband has also decided that he has needs. He has excellent timing, no? His needs are very simple in his eyes-a house that does not look as if it has been ravaged by a tornado. And...ahem..."marital relations".

Okay, first of all my house IS ravaged by a tornado. Everyday Cyclone Monkeypants goes on a destructo rampage dumping his toys everywhere and hiding his peanut butter and jelly crusts when I'm not looking. And the only people available to pick these things up is a 4 year old with a relatively short attention span and a one (available) armed mommy. We make an effort but I would NOT advise eating off of the floor. Some days I wouldn't even advise eating off the table.

And as for mommy-daddy-fun-time-well, this was recieved with hearty laughter and then a moment of silence after I realized he wasn't joking. Don't get me wrong-my husband is a sexy piece of man booty. I am proud to call him my other half, I still fawn all over him like a 16 year old girl, and I think it would be fair to say that I feel no small amount of lust towards him. Seriously for real, my husband is a smoking hottie. I feel pretty honored that he, for whatever strange reason, seems to be ravenously turned on by a dumpy mother of two who practically lives in her bathrobe. However, I fail to see how the whole thing work out logistically speaking.

I would perfer not to make love to the sounds of a screaming banchee-which would be our background music if we put Baby Bug in her bassinet even for a second. Also, since there is very little sleeping going on around here I cannot gaurantee with certainty that laying in bed for any reason would not render me immediately unconscious. That would certainly be ego bruising no matter how much I reassured him that I had very pleasant dreams about him after passing out.

Also-and possibly most importantly-the only form of birth control we are currently able to use are condoms and I put condoms in the same category as four leaf clovers, rabbits foots, lucky pennies, and wishful thinking. If it works it's a fluke.

Needless to say if my husband even thought about accidentally knocking me up right now I would have a freaking hissy fit. The good news is that if we did get pregnant again so soon I would make HIM call my parents and explain to them how he got me pregnant a month after our second baby was born. Now those would be some appropriate consequences.

Yep...I have been busy busy busy. Spending 90% of my daytime hours in the bathroom as potty cheerleader and 95% of my entire day with a newborn in my arms while attempting to unbury the house without looking "too sexy" in front of my overzealous (delusional?!) but well intentioned hubby keeps me on my toes. See? I am rediculously full of (good and totally legitamate) excuses for my spurratic blogging and poor hostess skills. But 0n the plus side, at least when I do return I come bearing stories!


Melanie said...

Oh, I so feel your pain! We had a similar experience with our son. We spent 7-8 months trying to get that child to potty in the toilet. After all that time, struggle, etc he finally gets up one Sunday morning walks in the bathroom and say "Mommy could you help me pull down my pants, I need to potty." And then proceeded to go like he'd been doing it all his life. After that he never turned back. On one hand I was ecstatic beyond belief, another part of my wanted to strangle him and ask why he couldn't of done that 6 months ago! :)

Kiddos -- ya gotta love 'em! Good luck with it all!

Heidi said...

I can so relate to this whole entry! When my now-6 year old was a baby, she was the same way. Cried all the time unless someone ELSE was holding her. Yep, she hated me and would scream when I held her too. THOSE were good times! :)
You had me rolling with the "category of Nunya" line. THAT is funny!

scrappysue said...

love the background on your blog! i have 4 daughters and trust me - it IS an adventure!!! (a GREAT one!)

Erin said...

LOVED this post! So funny : ) I'm in the middle of potty training my second child, not because I'm particularly excited about her going on the potty (I actually think it's easier to change her diaper 3 times a day rather than remind her every 14 minutes to "not pee in your panties" and "remember to tell mommy when you have to go"!), but it seems that she has to be potty trained before I can put her in preschool. So we embark on the long and arduous journey.

Anonymous said...

Dear God. All I can say is I'm SO glad this is not my life anymore. Oh and straight out bribery is how I potty trained son #2. If he pee'd on the potty he got to select a small gift from the surprise box. If he pooped on the potty? He got a Thomas the Tank Engine train. Yeah it cost me $400 to potty train him. However? He was fully potty trained in a couple of weeks- no accidents. :)