The "On" Switch

CAUTION: This post contains graphic detail about pregnancy and early labor. Seriously folks, I'm going to talk about mucus-and it's not coming out of my nose. If you're squeamish, I invite you to scroll down quickly and visit some of my other recent posts listed on the sidebar for your convenience. If you're still interested, please continue reading but remember-you've been warned.

Here I sit...just sitting. Waiting. I'm in too much pain to sleep, but I'm too tired to do much of anything else-so I'm just sitting. Well, now I'm also going to complain. I can muster up just enough energy to do that.

As those who follow me on Twitter may have noticed, I started having regular (and painful!) contractions about 8 minutes apart on Saturday at 2am (don't babies just do everything at 2am?). It seemed like a pretty safe bet that it was "time", but still I debated for about two hours whether or not to go into the hospital. I have a history of not going into labor on my own and I HATE being sent home! It's always so frustrating when the snooty nurse (she always seems snooty when she's telling me something I don't want to hear) looks at me and says "yes you are doing something, and you are in pain, but you're not doing "enough" (therefore your pain isn't valid) and you have to leave now."

But it hurts! I don't want to leave! That means I have to go home and be in more pain! For God-only-knows how long! I don't want to do that.

I don't!

I don't!

I don't!

[This is me throwing a temper tantrum.]

And so I debated. I timed contractions. I generally milled around. At 4am, my contractions were closer together and even more painful (we're talking shooting leg pains and pressure and everything) and I decided it MUST be time! So I gathered my labor bag-and congratulated myself on having it ready, though I had just packed our labor bag earlier that day-and off I went.

When I got to the hospital they hooked me up to the non-stress test and let me run with it. My contractions got down to 3 minutes apart-surely this was it! They checked my cervix and I had dilated from 2cm and 70% to 3cm and 70%...I was going to have this baby! My body was finally going into labor on it's own!

Just kidding.

Immediately after the not-snooty-at-all nurse said, "well, I think we might go ahead and admit you" my contractions started slowing. They went back down to 7 minutes apart, and I wasn't continuing to dilate or efface.

No baby for you. You're not doing enough, and your pain isn't valid. Please sign this and go home.

I don't wanna! I don't wanna! GAAAAAAAAAAAAH! ARG! ?!#$%^&^ Hrumph. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp.

My fit didn't work-probably because it was an internal fit, invisible to everyone except Hubby who can pretty much read my mind-and home I went...and here I am. I have been here for TWO WHOLE DAYS contracting every 7 minutes. I am not pleased.

I am even less pleased that I have been dealing with new and fun things which are enough to make me uncomfortable, but nothing the doctor would do anything about. For instance, I am now dripping large marble sized mucus clots like a kindergartner with allergies...but from my cervix of course...which fun for me AND the Hubsters because "bloody show" is exactly as wonderful as it sounds. [Woo.]

I also have a pain in my butt. No, not the kids-an actual literal pain in the booty area. It's kind of a throbbing pain (good times, no?) that generally just aches...until I try to sit or stand or sneeze or cough or breathe too much. Then it becomes a stabby/shooty pain and makes me make horrible noises that sound something like "ARrrgHbruhAAAaasSssshhhhhhhhGaaA" followed by heavy breathing.

Monkey and Baby Bug love this. Espeically the part where (if I am standing) I wobble like I may or may not fall over on them. Monkey called it "The Monster Game".

I am a monster. A giant pregnant monster who is so mad at everyone and no one and life that she could just cry and walk around waiting for an excuse to punch someone. Hard.

So what do I do when I get all crazy? I go online. [I know, it's an illness, but it keeps me occupied.] This time I decide to look up what makes women go into labor. I mean, maybe I'm missing something. Maybe I lack an essential hormone. Maybe I forgot to turn my uturus into the "on" position. Maybe someone forgot to tell me about the secret labor button behind my earlobe...I don't know what makes women go into labor.

Guess what I find out? They don't know either!!! Seriously! Doctors can grow a fully functioning human organ, but they have no idea what causes women to start the labor process?! You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me. They've had millenniums to work on this...this is very disappointing progress.

Just like my "labor".