Sunday, March 29, 2009

How Much Does Therapy Cost?

This is how I picture it.

Monkey-now a devastatingly handsome, wildly successful, intellectual 25 year old-is laying on a long black sofa opposite a mostly bald, slightly overweight bespectacled man clutching a steno notepad and a ballpoint pen.

We'll call him Dr. Snooty McHeadshrink.

Dr. McHeadshrink looks at my grown son and says sympathetically, "Tell me about your childhood."

Monkey's voice catches, belying his calm exterior as he begins to report everything I've done to him from time immemorial.

"It all started when I was five. My mother was pregnant with my sister The Bean. All I wanted her to do was play with me but instead she turned on the TV, pulled the blanket up to her chin, and took a two hour nap. That's when the cycle of emotional abandonment began."

Snooty McHeadshrink nods sympathetically. "And how did that make you feel?"

"I knew at that moment," says the psychically scarred adult-version of Monkey, "that my mother never really loved me at all!"

You go ahead and laugh. I can see this happening. I can hear my son's heart breaking. I have an overwhelming urge to find Dr. Snooty McHeadshrink and pop him in his condescending kisser.

I can't even say it was an accident. I have been known to black out from exhaustion during pregnancy, but this time I made a fully conscious decision to nap while Baby Bug was napping. It was only supposed to be for a quick minute, a half hour tops, and next thing I know Monkey was tapping me lightly on the shoulder looking at me with puppy eyes and saying in his saddest most neglected-child voice, "Can I have lunch now please? My tummy feels hurty."

His tummy felt hurty!

I. Am. The. Worst. Mom. Ever. My guilt will compel me to pay for his therapy of course, where he can tell Dr. McHeadshrink all about the person who really raised him.

Diego...of "Go Diego Go" combination with The Wonderpets.

While none of you (I'm sure) are in the lower-than-dog-poo, leave your child to go hungry category of motherhood like I am, it did make me feel an eensy-weensy bit better to find out from last week's poll that your children do watch TV. Well, except for 3 of you...


According to last week's poll, 10 out of 21 of you have kids who watch Dora or Diego. No doubt with tummies full of nutritious snackage. Classic cartoons (think Bugs Bunny) and Spongebob were tied for second with 4 out of 21 a piece.

That goes a long way toward me feeling like a human being again. I can almost look myself in the mirror.

Well, until Tuesday when I pull out the snack foods and plop down on the couch to watch The Biggest Loser.

[Do you nosh while watching too? During the UBP I found out that a lot of you do! This week's poll asks about your Biggest Loser snacking habits...answer if you dare!]


Jen said...

This past week I had a no snacking happened...but the week before...I ate 3 Cadbury eggs during BL. AND I'm even a fitness coach!! SHHHHH!!!! Don't tell! :)

Jenny said...

I'm not even pregnant and I have passed out for too long before. Luckily, my daughter didn't get into any trouble, but it still made me feel pretty bad.

Hopefully the counseling won't cost too much! LOL!

Muthering Heights said...

Luckily, the pregnancy thing is temporary, so hopefully you will be able to stay up with him, LOL!

I'm sure he will eventually forget the times you fell asleep - they will diminish against the splendor of all the great moments, right?

Just in case, why not give him a snack before you lie down? Then he can snuggle you while watching his could be mutually blissful! :)

Kirsty said...

I used to toss goldfish crackers from my couch of extreme morning sickness pain at my firstborn whilst pregnant with my second-born.My first born (who turned 2 the DAY I had my second born-so he even has to share a birthday now!)actually used to sneak into the room to check if I was awake yet from my epic naps and tiptoe out so as not to disturb me.

My second born (age 3) essentially took care of my third born (2.5) while I took care of my newborn and my post-partum depression .
Although I am wracked with guilt on a regular basis recalling all of this, all 4 show no signs of scarring, are excellent students, stellar citizens of society, great athletes and the kids the other moms tell their kids to be more like. I can say all this without bragging because clearly it is not thanks to me. Hope that makes you feel a bit better. A bit of neglect never harmed any kid who knew they were loved.
Btw, you are funny. :D

Kiy said...

I too nap when Little Bit is napping and no, I'm not pregnant either! but gosh, she's a handful. :) You're okay Mommy, we all do things like that. Since I am new to your blog (blame Momedy, she sent us over!) I missed the 'do your kids watch tv' question. Well, I can tell you mine little gal does! And not just Dora and Diego, we have a whole selection to choose from. Ouch. Ah well.

Cheers, Kiy

Person(also known as Mommy) said...

Jen-Mmmmmmm Cadburry Eggs....your secret is safe with me. If you share =)

Jenny-I'm already setting aside money for it...or college if I manage not to damage them too much before then.

Muthering Heights-I'm actually pretty good about feeding the kids BEFORE I do things. I think that's why after two hours of not eating they think they're starving! And you're right, pregnancy does not last forever (thank GOD), though this time around it seems like it since we only had a 5 1/2 month break between pregnancies.

Kirsty-That does make me feel better. Thank you!

Kiy-Thanks for the reassurance. We're not limited to Diego either by ANY means. My kids probably watch more TV than the average little folks, but I try to make sure it's all educational (School House Rock, Dora..stuff like that). I figure hey, they do watch a lot of TV, but then again my 5 year old can count to 10 in Spanish, tell you the habitat and habits of sloths, explain metamorphasis, say "red" "green" and "slippers" in Mandarin, and name 3 conjunctions. That has to count for something!

The Empress said...

Oh, this is so very clever!! Thanks for the laughs. I'll have fun thinking about what mine would say..yikes. Maybe I won't.